We have officially reached the third trimester which means this thing is getting closer and closer to happening! Amanda and I are so ready to see him!
I find myself caught somewhere between wanting to skip past all of this and wanting time to stand still so I don’t have to face reality. We are doing everything we can to prepare ourselves for the months ahead, but I’m pretty sure we won’t even be close. I don’t think anyone can ever be truly prepared for a situation like this.
What makes me the most sad I think is that we aren’t even the ones who will be in the most trauma. I worry about what Rhett feels.
I wonder if he can feel fear. I wonder if through any of this first surgery if he’ll feel afraid or wonder what is happening. I hope this just feels normal to him (if he can feel what “normal” is) and Amanda and I can shoulder the fear.
I wonder if he can wonder. I wonder if he can even conceptualize what is happening or consider what is happening next. I hope that Amanda and I are the only ones who have to wonder what happens next.
I wonder if he can feel tension. I wonder if he can detect our worry and heartache in the room while he’s with us. I hope that Amanda and I are the only ones who can feel the tension of knowing the severity of what’s happening.
I don’t really know what he can feel or think while all of this is happening, I just hope and pray that he can feel love. I hope he can feel the love we have for him right now as he grows stronger, but weaker every day in Amanda’s belly. I hope he can feel the love as he looks in our eyes for the first time and we look into his. There’s something about a parents touch and eyes that just make you feel like everything is going to be okay. I don’t know when that feeling begins in a life, but I hope it’s instantaneous.
I remember writing in one of my first blogs about love. I don’t think it was until the doctor told me that he was a boy that I really felt much at all towards the life growing inside and it increased quickly as the doctors were telling us what was going on with Rhett, who didn’t even have a name at the time.
Our love grows stronger every day as we inch closer to the hardest days of our lives. The love all around us has grown so much from seeing people want to get involved with making sure Rhett is taken care of and that we are able to focus on just being there for him, while all of you are focusing on being there for us.
Every day as we move closer my fear and excitement grow stronger and stronger. And as much as we say that we can’t wait, it’s becoming more literal. We literally can’t wait. The time is approaching and this is one where you can’t go around it. The only way past all of this for all of us is to go right through it.
Despite all of that we are just excited to see our little boy’s face and to show him what love is.
But somehow, I feel like he already knows.